Tiêu đề Writing Feedback 01 - Essay ✅

3. Response (After Feedback) The advent of a myriad of sophisticated gadgets has constituted an elemental shift in human society, prompting it to gravitate towards reliance on the said [wrong meaning, this adjective is used only for mentioned things/ people, => controversial (or simply just remove that word)] high-end [wrong paraphrasing, high-end here means of very good quality and therefore expensive; => cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, contemporary] technology for every perceivable function while considering real-life attachments [unnatural paraphrasing, => real-life/human/social connections] negligible. This has evoked unease among some people, and, from my perspective, the situation is indeed worrying due to its grave repercussions [should specify it => social fragmentation, mental health degradation, weakened communication skills], which will be elucidated in the following essay. The discussed status quo results in the precipitation [wrong meaning; this word refers to water that falls from the clouds towards the ground, especially as rain or snow (lượng mưa) => a variety of/myriad of/multiple/various/many] of detrimental e ects on how each individual comports oneself in response to others, with the youth being notably impacted.[unnecessarily long => human behaviors, especially the youth] Specifically, on online platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, et cetera,[this word is rarely used in academic essays => “and so on” or simply remove this word] children are enabled to communicate with minimal restraints as their identities are concealed by the elusive nature of the virtual landscape, where each person’s information is safeguarded by the anonymity policy of companies, thus fostering unrefined [this word is meant only for chemical process => concerning/worrying/disturbing] and, oftentimes, wholly inappropriate online actions. As a consequence, said youngsters, heavily influenced by their aforementioned trait [what are the traits here? You should change it to the anonymous feature of online realms] fall prey to aberrant behaviours [fall prey to= to be influenced by someone or something, saying youngsters are influenced by their own behaviors is